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DOROTHY: (Last line of the series) This has been an experience I'll hold very close to my heart.  These are memories I'll wrap myself in when the world gets cold and when I forget that there are people who are warm and caring.  Your friendship was something I never expected at this point in my life. ... I love you...always...  You're angels, all of you... You'll always be my sisters... always.

GIL KESSLER: In 1967 I had an operation.  Up until then I was mild-mannered housewife and part-time stenographer, Anna Maria Bonaduce.

SOPHIA: There's a hurricane a-comin'!
DOROTHY: A-comin'?
SOPHIA: You only use the "a" if there's a big storm a-comin' or a-brewin'.

ANGELO: You mean I shaved my shoulders for nothing?

Sunshine Girl: You promised us we could pee in the woods!
BLANCHE: Get away from that couch.

SOPHIA: He later developed a foot fetish and suffocated when he stuck his head into a lady's rubber boot.

DOROTHY: I can't find a date for the wedding.
SOPHIA: How humiliating.
DOROTHY: Yes it is.
SOPHIA: I meant for me.

SOPHIA: You can always go out with Claude Hughes.
DOROTHY: Oh Ma, Claude Hughes is the dullest, ugliest man I know.
SOPHIA: So, what's the problem?
DOROTHY: He didn't want to go.

DOROTHY: You're right, Blanche, these naked Southern guys sure can dance!

DOROTHY: What are you saying Rose? Weddings get you hot?
ROSE: Yes!

SOPHIA:  Please, Rose.  I've forgotten more than you'll ever know.

SOPHIA:  I'm in my twilight years.
DOROTHY: Ma, you're in the twilight zone.

GIUSEPPE MANGIACAVALLO: You got eyes just like you had in Sicily.
SOPHIA: I got cataracts.

GIUSEPPE MANGIACAVALLO: Attention, I have an announcement. This is Sophia Petrillo. She stood me up at the altar 40 years ago. I just asked her again and again she said no.
SOPHIA: Go on.
GIUSEPPE MANGIACAVALLO: So from now on...I'm gay.

DOROTHY: Shh, I heard a noise.
SOPHIA: Oh, you heard that? I thought I was safe backed up against all these pillows.

(Blanche and Rose are taking Spanish lessons)
DOROTHY: If I closed my eyes, I'd swear I was in Ecuador.
SOPHIA (walking past): Sorry, that was me.

DOROTHY: Ma, do you remember Helen Kolquist?
SOPHIA: Was she that tremendously fat woman, with a wooden leg, and a totally hairless cat named Cincinnati Jake?
DOROTHY: No!
SOPHIA: Then I don't remember her.

SOPHIA: That sign says 'No Soliciting'. If you come back here, I'll blow your head off! Capeche?

SOPHIA: Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you, in anything backless.

SOPHIA: I've been sitting in the backseat of the car for half an hour. What am I, a Dachshund?

SOPHIA: My hiney's asleep.
DOROTHY: Fine, we'll keep our voices down.

DOROTHY: No honey, you passed out... Remember that New Year's Eve, when you drank three margaritas and thought you were an animated broom in
Fantasia?.

GUY CORBIN: Complete this famous saying-Better late than...
BLANCHE: Pregnant!

ROSE: Is it possible to love two men at one time?
BLANCHE: I don't know, set the scene. Have we been drinking?

SOPHIA: We showed her (Magda) the mall...
DOROTHY: She said we live in a plastic society with no soul... This was after I bought her beef sticks and spreadable cheese from Hickory Farms.

DOROTHY: Hi Blanche!
BLANCHE: Eat dirt and die, trash.

SOPHIA: There are two things that happen when you get to be my age... One, you become more intuitive about the weather, and two, corn becomes your enemy.

STAN: Will my monkey be okay on my lap? Or should I find a chair...
DOROTHY: I have a place for your monkey, Stan...
DR HALPRIN: Dorothy, you're a little hostile towards the monkey. You want to talk about it?
DOROTHY: What's to talk about? I had to ride in the backseat all the way over here, because Stan said the monkey called 'shotgun'!

DOROTHY: Ma, how would you react if one of your kids was gay?
SOPHIA: I know you don't get many dates, but stick with what you know.
DOROTHY: Ma, I'm not gay, it was a question.
SOPHIA: To tell you the truth, Dorothy, if one of my kids was gay, I wouldn't love them one bit less. I'd wish them all the happiness in the world.
DOROTHY: That's because you're the greatest mother in the world, and I love you!
SOPHIA: Fine. Now shut your fat mouth so I can get some sleep!

BLANCHE: I don't understand lesbians, I mean, a man has so much more to offer, know what I mean?

BLANCHE: Whatcha doing Dorothy?
DOROTHY: Oh, I'm looking through my old yearbooks, it's sad to see how many of my old friends are gone...Frank, the star quarterback, heart attack, dead...
BLANCHE: Don't think of it that way, Dorothy, think of it as God telling Frank to "go deep."
DOROTHY: David...
BLANCHE: What happened to him?
DOROTHY: God told David to drive into a wall at 80 MPH.

DOROTHY: Rose, did Ma give you hard candy too?
ROSE: No. I'd ask, but she was always afraid I'd choke on it.

BLANCHE: Dorothy, at 2 AM this morning I was entertaining a gentleman caller...when she (Nurse DeFarge) opened the door...at the most inopportune time.
ROSE: You think that's annoying, she came into my room last night when I was re-enacting the gangplank scene from Peter Pan.
DOROTHY: What the hell goes on at night in this house???!!!

BLANCHE: Here, Daddy, sit on the sofa betwixt us.
DOROTHY: Betwixt?
ROSE: See? You don't know that word either. You probably don't know that the thrice of them are sitting on the couch together.

BLANCHE: My sister has turned into an deceitful old woman whose only pleasure is in hurting people! No offense, Sophia.
SOPHIA: None taken... slut.

ROSE: Blanche, you should make us eat dirt, make us grovel, give us the silent treatment...
DOROTHY: Rose, if you give us the silent treatment, I will eat dirt!

BLANCHE: Mel makes me feel young and beautiful and special. When we're together we laugh a lot.
SOPHIA: Why wouldn't you? You're both naked.

Stan's Mother: If I had to thank her, I'd choke on the words.
DOROTHY: Please risk it.

BLANCHE: When they put me in prison, I'll be brave, I can handle it.
ROSE: Blanche, you don't understand, they'll put you in a women's prison!

SOPHIA: (coughing) Dorothy, do you have a cough drop?
DOROTHY: No, Ma.
SOPHIA: A hard candy?
DOROTHY: No.
SOPHIA: A throat lozenge?
DOROTHY: Does it say K-Mart on the back of my night gown?!
SOPHIA: Actually it does, you cheap skate!

DOROTHY: Ma! Stop helping Blanche cheat!
SOPHIA: I didn't say a word! Did I say anything, Blanche?
BLANCHE: Dorothy, she didn't say a word!
DOROTHY: You keep shaking your head!
SOPHIA: I've been holding it up for 80 years, you'd shake too!

SOPHIA: You're telling me that you're associated with people who do bodily harm for a living?
MILES: Yes, Sophia, I'm not proud of it.
SOPHIA: Then take down this address, Gladys Goldfine...
DOROTHY: MA!

(At Sophia's staged funeral wake that Rose neglected to tell people was fake.)
MYRTLE: Sophia, I drove 30 miles and missed a day of work for this. I think it's very selfish of you not to be dead!
OLD WOMAN: And I...well, I didn't have anything else planned for today... but I'm still P.O.ed!

ROSE: How did she die? (Dorothy's wheelchair stricken grandma)
DOROTHY: You know, we don't know. She left one night in her wheelchair and never came back. The next day, the neighborhood boys had a go-kart with two really big back wheels.

SOPHIA: Like the good Lord said, you got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away.
DOROTHY: Ma, that wasn't the good lord, it was Kenny Rogers.
SOPHIA: God, Kenny Rogers, (to-may-to), (to-mah-to)...

BLANCHE: Sophia, this is my house...
SOPHIA: Oh, well... Let me give you two words of advice... Enough wicker!

BLANCHE: Years later, to get back at me, Kathy Lee slept with my daddy. That was something I had to accept. Mama accepted it too, along with a brand new Cadillac ElDorado for her birthday. You know, my family had money, and I loved them dearly, but when you get down to it, basically they were trash.

SOPHIA: Fabrizio Rubino and I were meant to be together, that is, until Destiny intervened.
DOROTHY: Don't tell me... his wife, Destiny Rubino?
SOPHIA: Yep.

ROSE: Should we go healthy and get low fat cheese?
DOROTHY: Let's go really high fiber and spread ketchup onto cardboard...pizza dammit! Get pizza!

SOPHIA: I'm ready for temple.
DOROTHY: Ma, it's Tuesday, and we're Catholic.
SOPHIA: Oh, in that case, bacon and eggs.

DOROTHY: You know, once I had a paper bird for a pet. Ma said if I wished hard enough, one day the bird would come to life. So every day I prayed and prayed for that bird to live, because why would a mother lie?? All the time becoming attached to this ridiculous paper bird. So you can imagine my shock when I woke up one morning to find it dead.
ROSE: How does a paper bird die?
DOROTHY: Good question... Someone had used it to restart the pilot light. (looks accusingly at Sophia)

SOPHIA: Beat it, you fifty year old mattress! (To Blanche)

BLANCHE: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a long hot steamy bath with only enough water to cover my perky bosoms...
SOPHIA: You're only going to sit in an inch of water?

STAN: I am but a humble servant.
DOROTHY: Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley. You're a horse's ass.

(At the funeral home, preparing for Mrs. Klaxton)
DOROTHY: Well, Mr. Pfeiffer...
MR PFEIFFER: It's actually Puh-feiffer, the P is not silent.
DOROTHY: Well, Mr. Puh-feiffer... We're here to make arrangements for a funeral.
MR PFEIFFER: Oh, how nice, the three of you planning ahead for mother...
SOPHIA: Hey Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in the puh-face?!
DOROTHY: Mr. Puh-feiffer, about the puh-funeral (grimaces) about the funeral...

DOROTHY: Ma, I do not snore.
SOPHIA: Please, I had to turn you away from the window so you wouldn't inhale the drapes.

ROSE: Dorothy, you're the smart one, and Blanche, you're the sexy one, and Sophia, you're the old one, and I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me.
SOPHIA: The old one isn't so crazy about you.

ROSE [on St. Olaf]: Ned was sort of the town idiot.
SOPHIA: When, on your days off?

ROSE [entering cheerfully]: Sooo, who's the luckiest girl in the history of the world!
SOPHIA: Well, it wasn't your mother.

[Dorothy and Blanche are mistakenly labeled as lesbian lovers on a talk show, and Sophia poses as an audience member]
SOPHIA: What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?
DOROTHY: I really don't know, but I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at...The Home.
SOPHIA: No more questions.

[Dorothy just left the house for a vacation, leaving her mother to Blanche's care]
SOPHIA: Fasten your seatbelt, slutpuppy, this ain't gonna be no cakewalk!

[Stan thinks his brother Ted is after Dorothy]
STAN: Don't you see? The last time Ted went to Acapulco he got married!
DOROTHY: So? The last time I went to Coney Island I got pregnant. What's your point?

BLANCHE: Rose is an idiot.
Counselor: Rose, how do you feel about Blanche calling you that?
ROSE: I think she's a gerkönernøckin.
Counselor: What does that mean?
ROSE: Well, literally it's the precise moment that dog doo turns white, but generally it stands for someone you wouldn't share your hödenkoggles with.
DOROTHY: Rose, if you say one more of those stupid words!
ROSE: Oh blow it out your töbenblurbels!

DOROTHY: Well, if someone asked me to sail around the world with him, I'd say yes.
SOPHIA: Sail around the world? Please, you can't even get someone to ask you for a date. Sail around the world. Yeah, like there's a long line of men standing on the –
DOROTHY: ALRIGHT, Ma!

BLANCHE: Dorothy, do you think I'm dressed okay for the dog races?
SOPHIA: That depends, are you competing?

BLANCHE [at Christmas]: Well Rose, it's a beautiful blouse.
ROSE: I hope you like it. Dorothy said you would like something crotch less.

REBECCA: I'm havin' this baby in a birthin' center. They emphasize natural childbirth without any painkillers.
BLANCHE: Honey, I know I told you where babies come from, but did I ever mention where they come OUT?

DOROTHY: I just thought Pop didn't like me. Like he didn't love me.
SOPHIA: He loved you, in fact he said "Anyone would want a daughter like this"...of course he was saying it to the gypsies.
DOROTHY: Do you have any idea how much that hurts me when you say things like that?
SOPHIA: No, when I'm dead, drop me a note.

(The girls are on a road trip to Atlanta... going down the highway)
ROSE: Ok, let's try it now with Dorothy! Dorothy, Dorothy bo borothy, banana fanna fo forothy, mi my morothy, Dorothy!
(Brakes squealing to a halt)
DOROTHY: Get out Rose.

(To Blanche's daughter Rebecca [the overweight version])
SOPHIA: That's Blanche's daughter? The model?...what'd she model, car covers?
DOROTHY: You'll have to excuse my mother.
ROSE: It's just that we didn't expect you to be this fat.
(Later)
ROSE: So... what brings you to Miami?
SOPHIA: My guess would be a small barge.
(Later)
SOPHIA: Where'd you find jeans that size?

BLANCHE: Did you hear that sound?
SOPHIA: Yeah, and as long as I'm in my own bed, I'll do what I want!

BLANCHE: My sisters refused to play with me because I was so beautiful. Do you know what that's like?...no, of course you don't. (To Dorothy)

DOROTHY: Is that you?
BLANCHE: Yes.
DOROTHY: You were kinda heavy...
BLANCHE: Every child goes through that ugly stage.
DOROTHY: Ugly yes, but this... you were really a little porker!
BLANCHE: Alright Dorothy!
DOROTHY: I'm sorry. (Long pause) Fat fat water rat, fifty bullets in your hat!

BLANCHE: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
DOROTHY: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
BLANCHE: There must be homosexuals who date women.
SOPHIA: Yeah, they're called lesbians.

BLANCHE: Dorothy, you do that one more time, and I'm gonna write on this wall: 'For a good time, call Dorothy Zbornak'.
DOROTHY: Oh Blanche, this is the ladies' room.
BLANCHE: Right!

DOROTHY: Ma, have you finished mailing those invitations yet?
SOPHIA: I just wanted a drink of water, all that stamp licking dries me out!
ROSE: Why don't you use a sponge?
SOPHIA: Nah, I feel more comfortable drinking out of a glass.

[A game of Scrabble]
DOROTHY: Ma, 'disdam' is not a word.
SOPHIA: It certainly is!
DOROTHY: Okay, prove it, use it in a sentence.
SOPHIA: You're no good at disdam game.

ROSE: I've been on the phone for a half hour and you'll never guess what happened!
DOROTHY: You realized you forgot to dial first.
ROSE: No.
BLANCHE: You were holding the receiver the wrong way.
ROSE: No.
DOROTHY: You were talking into the TV remote instead of the phone.
ROSE: No.
BLANCHE: A shoe?
ROSE: No, I'm not an idiot! — The TV has a remote?

ROSE: My mother always used to say: 'The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana.'

DOROTHY: Listen, do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck?
ROSE: No. But you do look like the woman who used to drive it.

DOROTHY: I would kill Gloria if she ever wrote about my sexual escapades!
SOPHIA: You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet?!

BLANCHE: How many boyfriends could a naive farmer's daughter have anyway?
ROSE: That depends on your definition of a boyfriend.
BLANCHE: Any man you bring to a fevered pitch of ecstasy.
ROSE: Oh...56. I probably would have had more, but I wasn't allowed to date until I was a senior.
BLANCHE: 56?!! 56??!!!
DOROTHY: Oh God, stand back, she's gonna blow!
BLANCHE: Rose, you're lying...if that were true, that would mean you were a...slut.
DOROTHY: Blanche, just because a woman had 56 boyfriends in one year doesn't mean she's a slut.
ROSE: Thank you Dorothy.
DOROTHY: She is THE slut!
BLANCHE: Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!
DOROTHY: The slut is dead, long live the slut!

BLANCHE: If only I could do something to make myself less attractive...
SOPHIA: Try soap and water.

(A new toilet is delivered)
SOPHIA: Was that a plumber?
DOROTHY: No, Ma. It was a little girl selling Girl Scout toilets.

ANGELA: Your mother is a stubborn old goat who apparently pays a buck and a half to have her hair done.

(After not speaking for 30 years)
SOPHIA: So...still have that cat?
ANGELA: The same cat I had 30 years ago?!

(Rose is babysitting a pet chicken...Sophia's sister Angela is visiting and she makes fried chicken.)
ROSE: Girls, Count Bessie is missing!
(All look at the plate of fried chicken...)
DOROTHY: Uhh... Aunt Angela... where did you get this chicken?
ANGELA: The garage!
(All put down the fried chicken...) (Later)
ANGELA: You think I know how to kill a live chicken? What am I, Conan the Barbarian?

DOROTHY: Well, I can understand that. I mean women like me don't grow on trees.
SOPHIA: Too bad! We could use the shade!

SOPHIA: I got a postcard from Gloria Pellozatto today.
DOROTHY: Oh, and how many stamps did she use, Ma? She's been dead for 15 years.

SOPHIA: Blanche, a terrible thing has happened to you. But when life does something like this, there are a couple of things you've got to remember. You've got your health, right?
BLANCHE: Yes.
SOPHIA: You can still walk, can't you?
BLANCHE: That's true.
SOPHIA: Great, go get me a glass of water.

DOROTHY: You put in an extra 'Miami is nice'.
ROSE: I had to, it hurts the lyrics if you don't.
DOROTHY: Well, it doesn't make sense. See... 'Miami is nice, so I'll say it twice'.
ROSE: Oohhh. Well how about this... 'Miami is nice, so I'll say it thrice'?
DOROTHY: Thrice? Who the hell says thrice??
ROSE: It's a word!
DOROTHY: So is intrauterine. It does not belong in a song!
ROSE: (Pause as Dorothy goes to answer the door) 'Miami - you're cuter than, an intrauterine.'

DOROTHY: I remember how you and Pop would make me bring in all my dates to meet you. I hated that!
SOPHIA: Oh, I did too. Between the ages of 12 and 19 I met two guys.

BLANCHE: I can't believe Fidel dumped me for that... raisin in sneakers. (Sophia)

SOPHIA: .... No offense, pussycat.
DOROTHY: None taken, you cankerous little prune.

(Rose is telling the story of her failed attempt at becoming St. Olaf's 'Butter Queen')
ROSE: That night, butter was spelled R-O-S-E!
DOROTHY: Rose, you're embarrassing yourself, please stop.
ROSE: I can't Dorothy, I've kept these bitter butter memories for too long!

DOROTHY: This is just like you Ma, to defend Gloria over me. Just like that time she borrowed my favorite doll and broke it.
SOPHIA: Oh please.
DOROTHY: She didn't just break it, she made it so the eyes would never close again!
(Later)
DOROTHY: My very favorite doll!
(Later)
DOROTHY: And how did Mrs. Doolittle's hair get singed? Did it herself? I think not.
(Later)
DOROTHY: My very favorite doll!
MAGDA: Dorothy, let it go...

BLANCHE: I once got arrested for that in Chattanooga too!
DOROTHY: Blanche, let me ask you something...are you allowed to go back to Chattanooga?
BLANCHE: Are you kidding? The sheriff still writes!

(The girls are falsely arrested for prostitution...Sophia shows up to bail them out.)
DOROTHY: Oh ma! Thank god you're here!
SOPHIA: Arrested for prostitution, I can't believe it!
BLANCHE: Sophia, we're innocent!
SOPHIA: I know that, I can't believe these dumb cops would think anyone would pay money to sleep with you!

(Dorothy makes malteds for everyone)
BLANCHE: These are delicious Dorothy.
DOROTHY: I worked in an ice cream parlor as a teenager.
BLANCHE: Soda jerk?
ROSE: No thanks! I'll have a malted.

(Rose opens the fridge, shrieks, and slams it shut)
DOROTHY: Rose, how many times do we have to tell you? The light always comes on when you open the door, it doesn't mean that someone lives in there.
ROSE: No, it's not that...before Charlie died, we both agreed on a signal for when either of us wanted to contact the other.
DOROTHY: What was it?
ROSE: All the cantaloupe would be on one side of the fruit salad.

(Rose is testing anti-fog glasses, she sticks her head in the freezer...)
DOROTHY: Rose, leave the glasses inside, and come over here!
ROSE: How will I know if they fog up or not?
DOROTHY: We'll ask the little man who turns the light on and off if they do.
ROSE: Dorothy, don't joke about the little man, you know he scares me!

ROSE: You've become in the news business, what we call a 'hot story'!
DOROTHY: You've become in the revenge business, what they call 'next'.

(Blanche's moonlight madness party)
BLANCHE: All the men are crowding around Dorothy, and ignoring me... it's nature gone loco!

(Uncomfortable party)
DOROTHY: You know... I don't think I ever had a sponge cake so... moist.
ROSE: The moistest.
SOPHIA: I found the tea rather moist as well.

DOROTHY: What a pair of loons!!!!

SOPHIA: I have no daughter named Dorothy... Rose is my daughter now. And you Dorothy are the biggest disappointment to hit the streets since the AMC Pacer!!

GUY CORBIN: You ought to make quite a haul with those meat hooks! (To Dorothy)

(Talking to Sophia on the phone)
DOROTHY: No, you cannot spend the night at Rocco's... As long as you live under our roof, you will abide by our rules!... I should do what to myself?!
(Hangs up phone)
BLANCHE: Is your mother okay?
DOROTHY: Oh fine! She does something wrong and suddenly she's MY mother!

DOROTHY: Oh Ma, I could just kiss you!
SOPHIA: Uhh... not till we locate a toothbrush, okay?

DOROTHY: I don't like Ma hanging around with Rocco. Last night she came home with NyQuil on her breath and his surgical stockings in her pocket.

SOPHIA: Ah, blow it out your dittybag!

(Opening freezer and giving Mama Celeste a rude gesture.)
SOPHIA: Abbodanza!

(To neighborhood brat)
DOROTHY: Then I'm going to call up the school for bad girls, and they're going to come and pick up you up and put you in a sack and take you away, and you will never eat ice cream again!
DAISY: Get real, grandma!

BLANCHE: I'm calm, I'm just as calm as I can be, because my worst suspicions have just been confirmed. My beauty is fading! I'm going to get my bosoms raised, my butt firmed, and my face lifted!
SOPHIA: It'd be a shame to get all that done and still keep that hairdo.

ROSE: I had a nanny when I was a kid. I loved my nanny. I could tell her anything and knew she'd keep it a secret. My nanny treated me just like I was her very own. [chokes up] Excuse me...
DOROTHY: Is there anyone here who doesn't think she was talking about a goat?

(Dorothy and Blanche buy the same dress, and neither wants to return it.)
BLANCHE: Since when do you care what you look like?
DOROTHY: I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed!
BLANCHE: People expect to see me in a sensational dress!
DOROTHY: Oh, and what do people expect to see me in? A yarmulke and a Hefty bag?!

SOPHIA: There's just something I don't like about him. I can't put my finger on it, but if I did, I'd have to wash it.

DOROTHY: You know what your problem is?
BLANCHE: Of course not.

BLANCHE [to Rose]: What? Are you out of what is left of your mind?!

BLANCHE: I think I'll make myself an ice cream sundae... Rose, I suggest you leave the kitchen. I may get a little crazy for chopped nuts!

BLANCHE: You are nothing but a lowdown carpetbagging scallywag! And as God is my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!

BLANCHE: I do laundry all the time. By the way, we're out of... Blee-awk.

BLANCHE: Now I know why Hemingway killed himself. Oh girls, I have a writer's block – it's the worst feeling in the world!
SOPHIA: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
BLANCHE: ...You just sit there, hour after hour after hour...
SOPHIA: Tell me about it.

DOROTHY: (About grandkids...) They come over once a week. You make them dinner. They spill it on the couch. They hide under your bed. You hurt yourself looking for them. And just when you are about to collapse from exhaustion, their mother comes and takes them home.
ROSE: I remember how special Mother's Day was to the children. They would make me breakfast in bed. They'd paint little faces on their socks and put on a puppet show called Elf Kingdom!
DOROTHY: And then everybody would tickle each other until the whole family was throwing up together!

BLANCHE: Mel and I were meant to be together.
SOPHIA: But your thighs weren't.
BLANCHE: I won't stand for this! [she gets up and starts to walk out]
SOPHIA: Take it, Dorothy!
DOROTHY: But I bet you'll lie down for it.

[Blanche complains to the other girls that Baby the pig has ripped up her nightie]
BLANCHE: And he likes to watch me take a shower!
SOPHIA: He's a pig, there's no accounting for taste.

VET: There's really nothing wrong with Baby, physically.
ROSE: He's got a mental problem.
DOROTHY: Four grown women decide to live with a pig, and HE'S the one with the mental problem?!

DOROTHY: Listen, ma, we cannot afford a new TV. We're using the household money to repair the roof and repave the driveway.
SOPHIA: Great, and what am I supposed to do while every old lady on the block is watching Cosby?
DOROTHY: Well, you can sit in the new driveway and hope that an amusing black family drops by.

ROSE: We had a pig once. All the male pigs loved her. Oh, she was very beautiful. She got pregnant, and we never knew who the father was.
DOROTHY: Oh my God, Rose. What did you do on Father's Day?

ROSE: Penny for your thoughts, Sophia.
SOPHIA: You're stupid, and that's on the house.

[Dorothy, after giving Sophia a driving lesson]
BLANCHE: Dorothy, why is your lipstick all smeared?
DOROTHY: I just kissed our driveway.

SOPHIA: Play it safe, stay with this curse.
DOROTHY: Ma, I've stayed with you all these years.

BLANCHE: Dorothy, where's my heating pad?
DOROTHY: How should I know?
BLANCHE: If this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.

BLANCHE: Do you know how it feels to have someone not believe you?
ROSE: I sure do, back in St. –
BLANCHE: Rose, I was about to tell a story!
ROSE: I wanna tell one!
BLANCHE: Dorothy?
DOROTHY: God, this is a no-win situation, but go ahead, Blanche.
ROSE: Fine! You might never get to hear my story.
DOROTHY: Then I was wrong, this isn't a no-win situation!

DOROTHY: You know, until I met you, Rose, I didn't know that people actually talked back to their Rice Krispies.

BLANCHE: You know girls, we are going on a romantic cruise with Jeff, Rich and Randy, and we may need to bring... you know... protection.
ROSE: What do you mean?
DOROTHY: Two armed Pinkerton guards, Rose. No, Blanche was talking about what's over there, those... [points to a counter]
ROSE: A Nestles Crunch?
DOROTHY: Over one.
ROSE: A pack of gum?
DOROTHY: To the left.
ROSE: Dentu-grip??
DOROTHY: CONDOMS, Rose, CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!

SOPHIA: Picture it, Sardinia 1945...
BLANCHE: But I thought all these stories of yours took place in Sicily?
SOPHIA: Can't a person go away for the weekend?!

DOROTHY: Okay, but this had better be good.
SOPHIA: I don't know, how good would you consider... the Pope's ring!
DOROTHY: Okay Ma, squirt me in the eye and get it over with.
SOPHIA: No, this is his ring. Look.
DOROTHY: My God, Ma. This looks real!
SOPHIA: It IS real. You'd think he wears his fakes in public like Zsa Zsa?
DOROTHY: But Ma, how did this happen?
SOPHIA: Picture it. The Papal Mass. A few hours ago. I wanna cop a blessing for Agnes, so I sneak into the crippled and lame section...
DOROTHY: Ma, how could you?
SOPHIA: With a pronounced limp! The Pope finally arrives, I bend down to kiss his ring. Just then, security comes and whisks him away. He left the ring behind... as a memento.
DOROTHY: Ma, you stole the pope's ring?
SOPHIA: It slipped off! You know, for God's representative on Earth, he sure has sweaty palms.
DOROTHY: You're gonna take it right back.
SOPHIA: Dorothy, this is a sign. Maybe I'm supposed to make a miracle. Hey, maybe this is my shot at getting into the Bible.
DOROTHY: Ma, the Bible is a done deal. Now you can't keep it. We're talking about a millenniums-old symbol of the Pope's authority. Something so steeped in history and tradition, that makes even you seem middle-aged.

SOPHIA: This may not be a good time, but has anyone seen a large jewel encrusted ring that's steeped in history just lying around?

ROSE: I'm a bubblehead and I deserve to die. [pause] I said I'm a bubblehead and I deserve to die.
DOROTHY: And it was worth repeating.

SOPHIA: I may not have your gift for words, or your ability to make small children weep...
DOROTHY: But...
SOPHIA: Or your butt either, thank you...

SOPHIA: Dorothy, I was there when you needed a Communion dress. I was there when you needed a prom dress. I was there when you needed a wedding dress... Frankly, I'm sick of it, buy your own damn dress!

SOPHIA: Thank you, pussycat.
NURSE DEFARGE (To Dorothy): Oh, you're Pussycat too?
DOROTHY: No. I am Pussycat One! You are Pussycat Two!!

BLANCHE: Let's vote to see who will leave.
ROSE: Either way it's going to be me.
BLANCHE: Ok.. good luck girls. (pulling names out of a hat that the girls have written on)
BLANCHE: Dorothy.
BLANCHE: ..Dorothy.
BLANCHE: ...Dorothy...
BLANCHE: .... Dorothy.
DOROTHY: How did this happen?!
SOPHIA: We all voted for you...
BLANCHE: Well Dorothy, it's your own damn fault, why did you have to vote for yourself?
DOROTHY: I assumed everyone else would vote for Rose, and I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.
BLANCHE: I guess that would hurt.
DOROTHY: It DOES!!

ROSE: (her childhood wagon's insurance policy) Some hogs trampled it....Charlie replaced it even though my insurance policy didn't cover acts of swine.
DOROTHY: Acts of swine. (rolls eyes)

DOROTHY: You gave my mother $3000??? Odds are she'll come home with a handful of magic beans!!!

SOPHIA: In a week's time, you'll be kissing the ground I walk on!
DOROTHY: Yeah, and you'll be looking up from the other side!

MILES: Rose, I've never met anyone quite like you.
SOPHIA: Check the corn field on Hee-Haw.

SOPHIA: I need the money for my old age.
DOROTHY: Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore.

ROSE: We should put out the Welcome mat.
BLANCHE: But honey, we don't have a Welcome mat.
ROSE: What about the one Dorothy always says is at the foot of your bed?

ROSE: I just had a thought...
SOPHIA, DOROTHY AND BLANCHE: Congratulations.

BLANCHE: He is so sophisticated and charming and rich and handsome. He fairly screams Blanche. At least he will when I'm through with him.

Contractor: Do you want it fast or do you want it good?
SOPHIA: Before you answer that, Blanche, the man's talking about a guest room.

SOPHIA: Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway.

Grandma Petrillo: Where's Salvador? He's hiding from me.
SOPHIA: He's not hiding from you.
Grandma Petrillo: Yes he is, the little monkey hates me.
SOPHIA: He doesn't HATE you.
Grandma Petrillo: PLEASE, the man repairs complicated machinery for a living. Three times last week he couldn't set the hand brake on my wheelchair. All three times was at the top of the stairs to the Flatbush Subway Station.

ROSE: I have a story to end all stories about when someone wouldn't sleep with me.
BLANCHE: Ok Honey, but PLEASE keep it in ten words or less.
ROSE: OK. I will.
DOROTHY: Okay then Rose, let's hear it. In ten words or less, when did a man not sleep with you?
ROSE: The time I was radioactive.

BLANCHE: Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?
SOPHIA: I'm just saying you're lucky Jack-&-Jill magazine didn't have a gossip column.

BLANCHE: Well, we have two choices-go and beg Ernie's forgiveness, or hire another contractor.
SOPHIA: Or, we could use the Sicilian method. We burn down the house, collect the fire insurance money, and move to a beautiful beachside house in California. Personally, I vote for choice three.

DOROTHY: Now listen up you withered old Sicilian monkey! (To Sophia) 

BLANCHE: Okay, but you have to listen to everything I say. When I say jump, you say on who!

BLANCHE: (mocking) 'I'd be happy to, Mr. Allen.' My my my, Dorothy, isn't it a little early to be lickin' boots?
DOROTHY: I had a light breakfast.

BLANCHE: I wouldn't want to come between your lips and Mr. Allen's behind!

DOROTHY: (correcting spelling on Kevin's cast) We'll just change this to "Ms. Zbornak eats shit-ake mushrooms."

DOROTHY: I'd go outside but there aren't any *shady pines* to sit under.
SOPHIA: Pillow, pussycat?

SOPHIA: From the pit of my stomach, to the porcelain of the bowl...

SOPHIA: He's the perfect man for you, Dorothy. He knows your shoe size and doesn't care!

Wedding Planner: (To Dorothy) Remember, teeny steps. We're not Godzilla attacking the city.

BLANCHE: Rose has proved a point, not all psychotics are dangerous.
SOPHIA: I still think Rose has the capacity to kill.

BLANCHE: Rose, what's six times eight? ... Okay, now that we have a few minutes...

DOROTHY: (About her sister Gloria being broke) She doesn't have any money?
SOPHIA: Not a dime.
DOROTHY: YES!!

SOPHIA: Oh God, he's proposing again! Will one of you raise your standards, please!

ROSE: How was the sex?
DOROTHY: So good we named it!

SOPHIA: If I turn my hearing-aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!

DOROTHY: Ma, Rose isn't talking to me...
SOPHIA: Enjoy it while it lasts, now good night.

BLANCHE: Oh damn, I forgot. The old lady's gotta eat.
ROSE: She's not here.
BLANCHE: What do you mean, she's not here?
ROSE: She left, you didn't know?
BLANCHE: Where did she go??
ROSE: Sicily.
BLANCHE: Oh my god, we've got to find her! You remember how mad Dorothy got when we lost her keys?!
ROSE: (look of horror) She uprooted a mighty sequoia!

ROSE: I know, because every Sunday I watch "la Law".
DOROTHY: That's L.A. Law!
(Later)
SOPHIA: Very nice 'counselor'! Just exactly how close are you to the TV when you're watching "la Law"?

DOROTHY: You don't want that car.
Man: Why not?
SOPHIA: It's... haunted. I should know, I rode in it.
Man: You look fine to me.
SOPHIA: I'm 27 years old.

SOPHIA: (about her period) I got it, no one told me. I didn't get it, no one told me. I figured, this is life, and went back to my meatballs.

(Dorothy reveals her concerns about Blanche to Rose, unbeknownst to her that Blanche is in the room.)
DOROTHY: Blanche, where did you come from?
BLANCHE: I was hiding behind the drapes.
DOROTHY: What is this... Hamlet?

(Blanche reads from Rose's diary, not knowing it's her 4H diary)
BLANCHE: Listen to this... 'Dear Diary: I don't know how much longer I can stand living with these two pigs. If one isn't keeping me up all night with her screaming, the other is belching in my face!'
DOROTHY: What?
BLANCHE: You do that sometimes, Dorothy. After you've had a Denver omelet.

(About how her mother Rose is being influenced badly by the girls)
KIRSTEN: This one time I was driving up the driveway, and you (Sophia) were dressed like a lamb, you (Blanche) were dressed in a petticoat, and you were all getting into a car with a big scary dog.
DOROTHY: I was a WOLF.

SOPHIA: You know what else I can't stand? Your phony accent. What is this,
Designing Women?

DOROTHY: Why do you find ways to amuse yourself at my expense?
SOPHIA: Because we don't have cable and I can't crochet.

SOPHIA: There's nothing like bringing two idiots together.
DOROTHY: That must be the motto of the St. Olaf phone company.

BLANCHE: Rose be sure to dress youthfully.
ROSE: What for?
SOPHIA: You're old!!

DOROTHY: So you're five years older. So am I, so is Blanche. Alright, so you have a few more wrinkles. So do I, so has Blanche. Alright, so you're a little thicker around the middle. So is Blanche!

SOPHIA: The girl's a slut.

(After knocking over Rocco's bag, and piles of money pour out)
BLANCHE: Where'd Rocco get all this money?
SOPHIA: I don't know, but the next time we go to the Colonel's, I'm getting all white meat AND a biscuit!

SOPHIA: I still have to kiss a fool for this curse.
BLANCHE: So why don't you just kiss Rose and get it over with?
SOPHIA: Technically Rose isn't a fool, she's a simpleton.
BLANCHE: What's the difference?
SOPHIA: How can I explain this? Fools read Dear Abby, simpletons read Ann Landers... it's a fine line!

DOROTHY: Sometimes she's so cheerful in the morning you just want to shove your grapefruit in her face. Hard. As hard as she can stand it.
MILES: Boy, I'd like to see who was runner up for maid of honor.

ROSE: It's like something out of a movie! Strong, handsome, daring... and now she's got a man! (About Dorothy)

SOPHIA: Complete this phrase: I'm tired of living with you miserable: A) Gypsies, B) Bottom feeders, C) Howler monkeys.
BLANCHE: ... Howler monkeys?
ROSE: ... Howler monkeys.
SOPHIA: The correct answer is... C) Howler monkeys!!!
ROSE/BLANCHE: Yes!!!

SOPHIA: I was... slicing an onion, when all of a sudden, this big basil tree...
DOROTHY: Ma, what the hell are you talking about?!

[Sophia traded two bad tickets for one good ticket to see the Pope]
DOROTHY: Ma, what am I going to do?
SOPHIA: Well, I was thinking we could get one of those really long overcoats, you could stand on my shoulders-
DOROTHY: And what, Ma? Blend in with the circus folk?

DOROTHY: I too would like to make a toast. I predict nothing but disaster and tragedy for everyone connected with this travesty of an idea.
Marvin: She's not going to be living with us, is she?

DOROTHY: Rose, we all know Miles loves your delicious creamy cupcakes. Let's say that one day, Miles decides to try someone else's cupcakes... for lack of a better example, let's say... my cupcakes. And in a moment of mad desperate passion, I let him try my cupcakes.
ROSE: Well, I'd like to think I'd understand.
DOROTHY: Good. I knew you would.
(Rose laughs to herself)
DOROTHY: What's so funny?
ROSE: The idea of Miles wanting to try your cupcakes. Everyone knows your cupcakes are dry and tasteless.
DOROTHY: My cupcakes are moist and delicious!
ROSE: Get a clue! Men would rather pay for cupcakes!
DOROTHY: Listen you Swedish meatball!... Wait, you were actually talking about cupcakes, weren't you?
ROSE: Of course Dorothy. Why? What were you talking about?
DOROTHY: Nothing.
ROSE: Have you and Miles been... baking together??
DOROTHY: No, of course not.
ROSE: Good... because if I ever caught Miles and another woman in my kitchen.... (breaks mug in hand)

ROSE: I can't tell his wife that her husband died in my bed!
SOPHIA: Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers, and you found him on the lawn.
ROSE: That's not bad...

SOPHIA: I'm going out on the porch.
DOROTHY: It's called a lanai, Ma.
SOPHIA: Well, excuse me, Krystle Carrington!

DOROTHY: For God's sake Rose, Eisenhower used less chalk planning D-Day!

KID: Are we the X's or the O's?
BLANCHE: The O's sweetie.
SOPHIA: It's easy to remember, it's the number of points you scored this season.

Jimmy the Hippie: Get away!
SOPHIA: Okay, take it easy. [aside to Dorothy] Who's the macadamia?

SOPHIA: You're old, you sag, get over it.
BLANCHE: My mistake, since you looked like Yoda I thought you were also wise.

MILES: We've been putting off that trip to Zipper Town.
ROSE: Do you think we'll have time after dinner?
MILES: Zipper Town is always open... hahaha!

DOROTHY: You actually had a good time at a thimble museum?
MILES: Oh, so-so. Hahaha!

(Billy is underweight for football game and Dorothy won't let him play.)
DOROTHY: Little bodies don't like it when big bodies fall on them.
SOPHIA: Which is why Raymond Burr never married.

(Merv Griffin has moved up on the list of the richest people.)
DOROTHY: Probably because he ate the two people ahead of him.


Quotes from The Golden Palace 

ROSE: I wish Dorothy were here.
BLANCHE: Why? Do you think she'd know what to do?
ROSE: No, but she could kick the crap out of you!

ROSE: You're right, we don't need Dorothy. The two of us could kick the crap out of her!

CHUY: Well, I'm back.
SOPHIA: Dorothy?

ROSE: He ordered rice!

DOROTHY: A tip? A tip. Let's review your performance shall we. You backed up over my luggage, used the causeway during rush hour, stopped the car twice to sell fruit out of your trunk. A tip? Walk away slowly and no one gets hurt.

DOROTHY: In the 35 minutes that I've served you, you've complained about the food, the service, and stated that in my case a sprinkle a day wasn't quite enough. I don't care if you have a pulse, much less a nice day.

DOROTHY: Look at you, you're white as a sheet.
SOPHIA: That's because I'm in between heartbeats. Come back in 30 minutes and I'll look like the last of the Mohicans.

CHUY: You're the only one that didn't give me any grief about marrying Beverly...
ROSE: Well I just figure it's your life. If you want to throw it away on a cheap tart in a drunken stupor, who am I to object?

BLANCHE: If I weren't a lady, I'd deck you.
DOROTHY: You try it and I'll have you on your back so fast you'd think you were on a date.

DOROTHY: Blanche you know what your problem is? You're all talk and no action, just like your sex life.
BLANCHE: Are you saying that I'm not a tramp?

SOPHIA: Wow, I haven't had a workout like that since...
DOROTHY: MA!
SOPHIA: The orange trees, since they had me working in the orange trees.

SOPHIA: I got you something too. Uh... this candy dish.
DOROTHY: It's engraved. To Ma, Love Dorothy.
SOPHIA: Damn.

ROSE: ....I should know, I'm the expert on love!
BLANCHE: Oh please, get real, you've had- what...three men in the last forty years ??? I had that many in between the Kennedy and Oswald assassinations!
ROSE: Yeah, and how many of those faceless hoards say "I love you?"
BLANCHE: Honey, if I touch 'em in the right place, I can get 'em to say "It's Howdy Doody time!"

BLANCHE: If we keep losing money like this, we'll all be out walking the streets.
ROSE: Well at least you'll have a job.

ROSE: Hide me! Hide me!

ROSE: Congratulate me Sophia, I finally finished the puzzle.
SOPHIA: Big deal! it took you six months.
ROSE: On the box it said two to four years.

BLANCHE: ...He died making love.
SOPHIA: Oh, poor Stan. There's nothing worse than dying alone.
ROSE: At least we know he went quickly.

[Sophia is pounding on Stan's casket]
SOPHIA: Open the box! Open the box!

ROLAND: I can't understand why I feel so old.
SOPHIA: TUMS?

ROSE: If that bed could talk...
SOPHIA: It would have laryngitis.

BLANCHE: I'm going to slip into something that will make me look my best.
ROSE: May I suggest a time machine?


© ScentedDemented 2012